If there is anything Hollywood
has taught us, it’s that Aliens Hate us! They are not going to come all this
way just to make friends. They want to kill us, capture us and experiment on
us. They want to stick things up our butts and not even in a nice way :(
So I know what you’re gonna say, you’re thinking with the
vastness of the Universe, the nearest life sustaining planet is far too far
away. Surely any intelligent culture will use up all its natural resources
before it can discover a way to travel so far in space. You don’t believe it’s
possible to achieve faster then light travel and this whole Einstein Rosen
Bridge
1.) Don’t
Panic! Panicking gets you Killed. I like a nice Vanilla and Chamomile Tea… with
ginseng!
2.) Get
Tooled Up: The first thing you’ll need is a can opener or better a Swiss Army
knife. Food is going to be pretty scarce for a while so make sure you can get
into it. You’re also gonna needs Guns, Knives and other stabbing weopons. I’ll
be swinging my lucky crowbar – you never know when you’ll need to break open an
Alien Death Robot and steal some technology.
3.) Don’t
stand near any National Landmarks. If you’ve booked a tour round the Whitehouse
or going to see the Houses of Parliament you may want to give it a miss. Aliens
will conduct extensive research in order to destroy us and are most likely to
target half empty government buildings first. They’ll leave all the military
basses and oil refineries till later.
4.) No
one gets left behind: Stay in small mobile groups, everyone can be useful so
make sure no one gets left unless they are really annoying. When the Invaders eventually
leave we will need to make lots of babies, so guys look after the women –
especially the pretty ones!
5.) Know
your enemy: You can easily capture an Alien straggler by running one down in a
car. Or you can ask a ‘Chav’ to go shank one. That way when the Alien is eating
the over confident Chav you can just creep up behind and wack it over the head
with a metal pole. Then you can mess your Alien up and find its weaknesses.
6.) Take
Your Vitamins: In HG Wells’ 'War Of the Worlds' the Alien invaders died out
because they did not have an immunity to Earth’s germs. We should be so lucky!
If an Alien captures you and sneezes in your face, you’ll be glad you took your
Vitamins. Always grab any medicine when you can.
7.) These
Bombs are Da-Bomb! The internet is really great for learning how to make
explosives out of everyday household chemicals. You can also try making the
little ones that Kyle Reece shows us in ‘The Terminator’, however these are only
good for knocking people off motorbikes.
8.) Keep
in touch: Get a Radio, both myself and other key members of the Resistance will
be hosting a radio show everyday at 9pm.
So stay alive and fight hard, this is our Planet and I don’t
want to get my ass probed!!!
#Oustanding!
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